[As publicity for his first lecture in the East MT prepared the following prospectus of the Sandwich Islands lecture. According to his autobiographical account of the performance, copies of this prospectus were hung in the New York busses on strings in bunches of fifty: "You could see them swinging and dangling around in every omnibus." The list of topics gives us access to the earliest form of the lecture, as MT brought it with him from the West. Source: Walter Frear, Mark Twain and Hawaii .]
THE SANDWICH ISLANDS
By Invitation of a large number of
prominent Californians and Citizens
of New York.
will deliver a
THE SANDWICH ISLANDS,
On Monday Evening, May 6, 1867
TICKETS FIFTY CENTS.
For Sale at Chickering & Sons, 652
Broadway, and at the Principal Hotels.
Doors open at 7 o'clock. The Wisdom
will begin to flow at 8.
In which the following topics will
receive marked attention:
1. Horace Greeley and Hank Monk
--a topic which is new to Californians--
2. Where Kanakadom is situated.
3. What it was situated there for.
4. Its dimensions.
5. What it is made of--and why.
6. Its population, and who killed it.
7. How the natives dress, and, more
particularly, how they don't dress.
8. The King.
9. The other natives.
10. The Tabu.
11. The Missionaries.
12. Native hospitality.
13. Native rascality.
14. The multiplicity of mothers.
15. Their talent for dying when they
have got ready to die.
16. A singular custom.
17. How they dispose of their dogs.
18. Another singular custom.
19. A wicked slander refuted.
20. Why the natives don't walk
much, as a general thing.
21. What becomes of the surplus children.
22. The cheerful spirit of Kanakadom,
under any and all circumstances.
23. How they do almost everything wrong-end
foremost; however, no attempt
will be made to explain this
24. A powerful description of a volcanic
eruption. The lecturer knows
it is powerful because it has got
so many long words in it.
25. The Boo-hoo fever.
26. A word about the religious aspect
27. The white people, and their peculiarities.
28. Terrific drinkers.
29. A unpalatable subject.
30. The only joke achieved in Kanakadom
after five months of persevering
31. Kanakadom as a really useful and
valuable companion purchase to our
ornamental Russian Possessions.
32. The style of government, and
what became of universal suffrage.
33. Chance for Barnum.
34. Accessories to royalty, and indifference
to official distinction.
35. The absurdities of strangers.
36. Passing mention of certain diabolical
37. Climatic felicities--or facilities--
as you please.
38. The performance to conclude
with a joke which cannot fail to
amuse such persons as may
chance to be amused by it.
CAREFULLY ELABORATED JOKES
Some little pathos will be infused into this lecture, and persons who are overcome by it, may go out for a few minutes; but no weeping will be allowed on the premises.
N.B. This Establishment Advertises where it pleases.