[More lecture, from Fred W. Lorch's version of "The Vandal" (in The Trouble Begins At Eight: 294-95]

In conclusion I will observe that even galloping as we did about the world, we learned something. The lesson of the Excursion was a good one. It taught us that foreign countries are excellent to travel in, but that the best country to live in is America, after all. We found no soap in the hotels of Europe, & they charged us for candles we never burned. We saw no ladies anywhere that were as beautiful as our own ladies here at home & especially in this audience. We saw none anywhere that dressed with such excellent taste as do our ladies at home here. I am not a married man, but -- but -- I would like to be. I only mention it in the most casual way, though, & -- do not mean anything -- anything personal by it. We saw no government on the other side like our own -- not just like our own. The Sultan's was a little like it. One of his great officers came into office without a cent, & went out in a few years & built himself a palace worth 3 million. It brought tears to my eyes in that far foreign land -- it was so like home. . . .

We saw no energy in the capitals of Europe like the tremendous energy of New York, & we saw no place where intelligence & enterprise were so widely diffused as they are here in our country. We saw nowhere any architectural achievement that was so beautiful to the eye as the national capitol of America, at Washington, & we saw nowhere any building that was -- that was --just like our Washington Monument. We saw no people anywhere so self-denying, & patriotic & prompt in collecting their salaries as our own members of Congress. We saw nothing in Europe, Asia or Africa to make us wish to live there, & when the voyage was done (& it was a very, very pleasant one, take it all together), we were glad to get back to our own country where moral & religious freedom prevail -- where politicians are incorruptible, -- where accident policies are cheap & where the chances to get your money back are good on all railroads.